That time of year is upon us again. The time when florists and chocolatiers hike up their prices and card makers try to make us feel somehow unfulfilled because we don’t have a significant other in our pathetic and worthless lives. And all in an attempt to guilt us out of our hard earned money in some fake show of affection. Well, I say fuck that. Take your soppy love songs and cringeworthy Hallmark sentiments and shove ’em where the sun don’t shine, baby!
It is time for those of us who are single (by choice or not), for those of us who enjoy the freedom of random encounters, and those of us who just plain hate everyone to say no more. Wear your singleness as a badge of honour, put a stop to those horrible PDA’s we are forced to endure and use the following twelve tracks to soundtrack your weekend of drunken debauchery and shame.
W.A.S.P. – Animal (Fuck Like A Beast)
What better way to start than with a song about pure raw animal rumpy (with a woman, not an actual animal). A song so offensive that born again W.A.S.P. frontman Blackie Lawless refuses to play it live anymore.
Avenged Sevenfold – A Little Piece Of Heaven
We’ve all heard the age old story: Boy meets girl. Boy falls in love with girl. Girl falls in love with boy. Boy asks girl to marry him. Girl refuses. Boy kills girl, rips her heart out and violates the corpse. Repeatedly. Girl’s spirit returns from Hell, she becomes a zombie and rips boy’s heart out. Boy becomes a zombie, they go on a killing spree and live happily ever after. Oh, just me then?
Anthrax – NFB (Dallabnikufesin)
Like an M. Night Shyamalamadingdong film, this one is all about the twist at the end. Oh, and read it backwards.
Brand New – Sic Transit Gloria… Glory Fades
Sometimes the fairer sex is far from. Jesse Lacey and crew’s ode to the popping of the cherry tells of an inexperienced young man’s exploitation by a ravenous older woman and has quite possibly one of the best accompanying videos ever made.
Five Finger Death Punch – The Bleeding
Sometimes – most times – it all goes horribly wrong. Very rarely has heartbreak sounded so pissed off. Check out the album version for that scream at the start. This is love at its worst.
Gotye (feat Kimbra) – Somebody That I Used To Know
Who hasn’t been where this track takes us? Months of declaring undying love only for it all to blow up in your face; those awkward moments when you pass in the street or end up at the same party. Gimme the walk of shame any day.
Therapy? – Me vs You
No one does creepy menace quite like Andrew J. Cairns and the boys. This is their ode to those drunken moments when we find ourselves outside our ex’s door at 3am trying to convince them that we only want to talk.
Metallica – Die Die My Darling
Sometimes there is nothing else for it – you play Metallica covering The Misfits. What? Surely you didn’t think I was recommending you kill your significant other just to get away from them?! I’m a black-hearted SOB but I’m not that bad.
Skid Row – Get The Fuck Out
Remember when rock n’ roll was about kicking ass and taking names instead of floppy hair and skinny jeans? This is a hark back to those halcyon days. Seb and his posse remind us of the four little words we all need to use from time to time (and have heard more than once too, I’m sure).
The Wildhearts – My Baby Is A Headfuck
Us men are simple creatures. Some more than others to be fair. All we ask is that you be straight with us. Yes means yes, no means no – I’m ok means just that. But alas, this isn’t always the case. There are those ladies out there who seem to delight in twisting us inside out and back to front just ‘cos they can. Feel free to role reverse in the name of fairness of course.
Buckcherry – Crazy Bitch
But, of course, us guys are also idiots. We know the girl’s bad news but…well, I will let the Buckcherry boys tell you the rest.
The Unprotected – Take, Fake, Break
Men are often accused of lying about feelings to get the ladies to take their clothes off. And, unfortunately, that does happen. But even when we do tell the truth and tell ’em we’re only here for the sugar they can still go ahead and get all, like, attached and shit. Saunter on love! Take it away Davey.
And just remember boys and girls, St. Valentine was beaten with clubs and stones, and when that didn’t work he was beheaded. Romantic, eh?