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Published on February 24th, 2016 | by David Boland

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New Pope’s Guide To Galway #2: General Election 2016

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Ah Galway, city of tribes. Hipsters, students, buskers, shams, bogmen, crusties, drunks, Spanish, gaeilgeoirs, nordies, immigrants, the homeless: Galway has them all! And, for the most part, we all live in ignorant tolerance of one another. But who is to represent such a diverse and bohemian jumble of dole-monkeys?

Here is my guide to the upcoming election in the constituency of Galway West. I am, of course, going to leave out Fine Gael, Fianna Fail and Labour because they are all shitehawks. Don’t believe a word from any of them. They are liars. Definitely do not vote for them, I’m serious.

I should probably state that these are my own opinions and not representative of The Thin Air (though I’m just saying what we’re all thinking, right?).

With that in mind, and in the interest of brevity, I’ve selected three candidates that seem alright – I must insist that you only vote for these people and no others (you may choose your own preferences).

Niall Ó Tuathail (Social Democrats)

niall (1)

New ideas, smart dude. Actually seems like he would know how to make things happen. His party, the Social Democrats want to change how our democracy works, making it deeper and more inclusive. They want to have people who know what they are doing running the country, i.e. expert ministers, and want local issues to be left to local authorities. I won’t lie, this appeals to me greatly. We are governed by an arrogant and corrupt political elite with no vision and no capacity for change. Also, really, come on, the evidence has long suggested that this political elite are knowingly acting against the interest of the people in favour of big business. Nothing good will come from perpetuating this madness!

Seamus Sheridan (Green Party)

The Green Party seem a tad redundant to me, after their disastrous and soul selling dirty little affair with Fianna Fail, but Seamus Sheridan (top) is a likeable and charismatic patron of the arts. He seems genuine. He also runs a delicious cheese empire. “More Trees, More Cheese!” should be his official campaign slogan but, alas, it is not. Feel free to chant this at him on the street should you see him though. He’d probably like that.

Catherine Connolly (Independent)

catherine

A smart lady who supports good things and has a record of getting shit done. Old school liberal. Used to be a member of the Labour Party. You might say that she represents what we all thought Labour was supposed to stand for. Not anymore though, amirite? Joan Burton literally despises poor people. No phones for you, scum. Don’t touch my car, peasant. I HOPE YOU DIE OF THIRST YOU FUCKING SCROUNGER. These are just some of the controversial things Joan Burton has said in the past.

And hey, whatever you do, go out and vote on February 26th. Just don’t vote Fine Gael or Labour. Or Fianna Fail. In fact, it’s best to stick to the candidates I’ve suggested. Everything will turn out fine, I promise.

David Boland is New Pope. New Pope makes fine music, which you can listen to here.

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